On Safety Town, Spending My White Privilege, and a Cambridge Policeman

The Young Irreverent Psychologist and Officer Sheppard

When I was a little boy my parents signed me up for Safety Town. I met police officers and firemen who helped me learn how to cross the street, how to ask for help, and quizzed  me about my phone number and home address. We learned as kids that policemen and firemen (and at the time, they were all men) were good people. We learned they were there to help us. They encouraged us to wave at police officers when we saw them. I always did. The officers always waved back to me. I remember being sad when I got older and police stopped waving back.

I recognize writing this that these were the lessons taught to little white boys and girls in my suburban neighborhood. Little brown, black, yellow, or red boys and girls learned radically different lessons. I've learned over the years from friends and patients that people of color learned to be afraid of police officers. They couldn't be trusted. They weren't friends.

Yesterday I had an experience that really shook me. Maggie the therapy dog and I were walking across Harvard Yard. In my  pocket was an envelope of banking material that was in a signed, addressed, sealed, and stamped envelope. Somewhere along the way to the post office that letter either fell out of my pocket or was removed from my pocket by someone.

I retraced my steps back through Harvard Yard, down Massachusetts Avenue, and to my office. I realized that the one place I didn't look was in the Old Burial Ground. On our way to the post office we stopped and played with a woman and her young child. That's where I noticed the envelope was missing. I  neglected to look carefully there and if it had fallen out of my pocket that was a good place to look.

Safety Town with Julie and Officer Sheppard

The envelope wasn't there. I headed back toward my office for my next patient. On the way there I noticed a Cambridge police officer sitting in his cruiser. Policemen are our friends, and they are there to help, right? I thought that there was a small chance that someone might have found the envelope and handed it to him -- I recognized that his car was there on my various trips back and forth through the Yard looking for my lost envelope.

A mother and son were asking him for directions to a museum through his car window. I offered the two some additional directions and then approached the officer.

"Officer can I ask you for some help?"

He responded "no" and proceeded to roll up the window of his cruiser and started to read the Kindle that was resting in his lap.

Now I could have needed all sorts of different kinds of help. I could have been assaulted or seen someone assaulted. I could have been robbed. I could have have witnessed all sorts of different crimes. Maybe I was lost and just needed directions. It doesn't really matter what I needed. I approached a public official in an uniform and asked for help. He said no. This is not acceptable under any circumstance, any time.

I was appalled, deeply offended, and beyond angry. More angry than I have been in years.

I shouted through his closed car window "really, you are going to close your window on me?" He didn't look up. He read his Kindle and ignored me. I was even more enraged, but quickly realized that he was a police officer and I was a civilian. Being angry, and banging on his window (which is what I wanted to do) was neither effective or appropriate.

I called the police dispatch line. I told them I had a highly disturbing interaction with one of their officers. In the course of the next 15 minutes I was put into contact with two very professional and responsible Lieutenants who asked me several questions, took me seriously, and apologized for the behavior of the officer that "did not appear consistent with what is acceptable."

My complaint would be taken up with the officer by his commanding officer. I also was given the option to make a formal complaint. I have chosen to make that formal complaint.

I was a middle aged white man, possessing two masters degrees and a doctorate, with a dog, walking through Harvard Yard. In many ways, I was the epitome of white privilege and power. At least I can pass as having that much privilege and power. I got to thinking about what other people might have experienced had they come to this officer asking for help. What might a young black male in a hoodie encounter? How about an immigrant that doesn't speak English? How about some future patient of mine that is psychotic, delusional, or manic? Would this officer  respond, protect, serve, and help? Would he have closed his window on someone with less power or someone who is more disenfranchised?

Safety Town Graduation with the Captian

This wasn't okay. This was reprehensible. This was wrong. How could an officer, in uniform, close their window and ignore a civilian asking for help?

I recognize the enormity of my privilege here. I recognize that I have the power and freedom to speak up, to respond appropriately, and to create change. I recognize that many in this same situation would not be able to make the choices I can  make.

With this in mind I am responding. I'm responding because I can and I'm responding because I know there are others who cannot. I'm responding because if I ask my patients to do the hard thing, I have to demand that I do the hard thing too. Most of all, I'm responding because I don't want to live in a world where requests for help are ignored.

It's not okay for a police officer to close their window on anyone asking for help so they can read their Kindle in peace.

UPDATE 4/25/2012

I had a fantastic conversation earlier this week with a high ranking official in the police department. I was treated with courtesy, respect, and felt like this issue was taken seriously. Presented with a multitude of options to seek address, I chose what I thought was most appropriate for this situation and am satisfied that my actions made a small difference to make the world a little better place.

The proud graduate, ready to look both ways before crossing

Repairing or Maintaining a Relationship

The longer that I am a practicing a psychologist, the more I start to take for granted the things I've learned along the way. I'm thankful each and every time something happens that reminds me not to take this knowledge for granted.

It's second nature for me to engage in "active listening." I know how to pay attention, make eye contact, and let the person who is talking to me to know that I'm alive, paying attention, and taking what they say seriously. I had a telephone conversation the other day with a customer service person and found myself incredibly frustrated. They weren't engaged in active listening. I was first just plain annoyed that I had to work so hard to get my point across. It dawned on me that the person on the other end of the line had no idea how to listen to me. I was still annoyed, but softened up a little bit realizing that there was a lack of training and knowledge: the person wasn't really trying to annoy me.

I slipped into therapist mode for a minute, stopped yelling to get my point across, and used another skill that is second nature to me as a therapist: GIVE.

GIVE is a skill that is part of a trio of interpersonal effectiveness skills that are taught in dialectical behavioral therapy. While some of the acronyms that are used are a little corny, they are a good way to be reminded how to be effective in life.

be Gentle
act Interested
Validate
use and Easy manner.

What does being gentle mean? Generally if you are finding yourself yelling, telling someone that they are dumb, stupid, or out of their minds, you are not being gentle. Take a breath. Play nice. Make a gentle joke if you are that sort or perhaps just make reference to the conversation being difficult.

Act interested? When someone is upset with you, don't say "blah blah blah", mock them, roll your eyes, twiddle your thumbs, or watch TV. Look at them, pay attention, let them know you are taking them seriously.

Take it a step further and validate what they are saying. Let them know you are alive, you hear them, and what they are saying is making some sort of impact.

Finally, use an easy manner. Make yourself approachable.

Try it out. You'll feel better about yourself and your relationships will be stronger.

Neighborliness

I recently adopted a puppy. She and I are spending a lot of time together as I'm training her to be a therapy dog. Eventually she'll be joining me in the office. Part of Magnolia's training involves a lot of socialization. We go to parks, malls, and other places where she can encounter lots of different people. I have a list of experiences that she needs to be exposed to: older people, children, people using crutches, people in wheelchairs, etc.

I've heard people in the past joke about the best way to meet new people is to buy I dog. I had no idea how real that joke actually is. Admittedly, Magnolia is tiny and cute. Still, I didn't anticipate that people would actually stop their cars, roll down their windows, and start up a conversation. Since bringing Magnolia home on Saturday I've had no less than ten conversations with different people while I am out walking.

It got me thinking about why this is. I'm not doing anything different except walking with a prop--a cute dog on the leash. At least I didn't think I was doing anything different. After observing a little more I am realizing that I'm actually a lot more mindful of my surroundings. Sometimes big dogs come along and I need to snatch my eight week old pup off the ground. Sometimes little children come running to pet her, and I need to be ready to help negotiate the contact so neither party is afraid. Sometimes, I'm just making more eye contact with people. They notice me and what I'm doing. I notice them and what they are doing.

It made me wonder what other kinds of props people might use to start conversations and meet new people. Dogs and puppies help. Not everyone can have one. I've sent clients out in the past with homework assignments to hold the door open for people and make a few seconds of small talk, or comment on a pair of earrings that they notice and admire while in the check out line. Other clients, who spend lengthy amounts of time commuting on the T, get the homework assignment to make a comment or ask a question about a book they see someone reading.

The prop--or situation--really doesn't seem to matter. When people try out these homework assignments they are always successful: they have a brief conversation with a stranger. While it doesn't guarantee a new friendship is formed, it at least creates the opportunity for a moment of interpersonal contact.