Sign, Click, and Feel Good

When is the last time you watched a documentary and were inspired to make a meaningful lasting change? After watching Bowling for Columbine did you sell your guns, call your senators demanding for gun control measures, and write a check to support a local agency that serves at-risk teens? After watching Food Inc. did you start your own garden, shop from local farmers, and eschew any form of pre-packaged food made by an agri-business? 

If you made changes, were any of them changes that you sustained?

Probably not.

I recently watched and fell in love with the luscious and beautiful film Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom. It didn't make me write a check to support Tsunami victims. It didn't make me board a plane for Japan to help survivors heal and rebuild their lives. It didn't inspire me to take any meaningful action that an outsider can observe, measure, and document.

Documentaries are an art form that stimulate us to have an emotional response about the human experience. They document history and teach us about it. They don't stimulate us--at least very many of us--to do anything. They stimulate us to feel something. When done well, the art form of a documentary exposes us to a new part of the human experience. In revealing something new about the world, we reveal something new within ourselves. 

I love documentaries as an art form. I love exposing myself to new parts of the human experience. I love discovering new parts of my own experience that were opened and exposed by my interaction with the documentary. 

I don't, however, confuse this with action, behavior change, or social change.

If Your Colors Were Like My Dreams

My mother likes email. It's almost a condition.

Seriously. It appears that she spends several hours each and every day carefully curating her collection of incoming e-mail. Mom crafts mailing lists of people with similar interests and sends out a daily dispatch of information that people might like to know. I even have my own category: of interest to you.

So the other day in my daily dispatch I received this petition.

My son Ryan has been a Boy Scout since he was 6 years old, and now, a few days before his 18th birthday, he has fulfilled all the requirements to be an Eagle Scout. But because Ryan recently came out to his friends and family as gay, leaders from our local Boy Scout troop say they won't approve Ryan's Eagle award.

None of this is surprising as the Boy Scouts have reaffirmed their anti-gay policies over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Preventing Ryan from becoming an Eagle Scout is consistent with their stated policy. It shouldn't come as a surprise to both Ryan and his mother that this has happened.

This blog post, however, isn't really about the Boy Scouts or Ryan Andersen. The email from my mother transported me back to Zellers Elementary School. 

In either fifth or sixth grade music class we had to research a band we liked and give a presentation about that band. Classmates picked the popular bands of the time. Unbeknownst to me, it was important to pick the right kind of popular bands. Liking certain kinds of music in my school allowed you to fit in with the crowd and be considered likable. I recall presentations about Quiet Riot, Journey, and Def Leppard. That's what the in-crowed liked (or at least pretended to like).

Being a young iconoclast and being totally unlike the other boys, I took the road less traveled. I never picked the things that were popular in school. It was like everyone except me received a popularity decoder ring.

I was enthralled with British and Euro-Pop music in grade school. This was not a "cool kid" approved preference. As you might imagine, I took some flack for my presentation on Boy George in my rather conservative suburban elementary school in Strongsville Ohio. I even took flack from my teachers.

Mr. Smith sporting some short-shorts.

At some point in sixth grade, my classroom teacher Joe Smith and music teacher Eric Richardson, called my parents in for a special conference. They were concerned that I wasn't like the other boys. Too sensitive, they said. When pressed by my parents about what too sensitive means, they explained they were concerned that I might be gay. "When he gets to middle school he will be eaten alive by the other boys."


"Have him join the Boy Scouts," they implored my parents. "It'll toughen him up."

Smart thinking, eh? He might be gay. Change who he is. That'll work. Not once did it occur to these men that I might need to be nurtured and protected. Not once did it occur to them I might need to be equipped with skills at managing bullying. Nope. Just change him. That'll fix the problem.

I wasn't at the meeting. My parents, as I am told, unleashed their own particular brand of wrath upon these teachers. There was always one thing that was clear with my parents: there was always space to be exactly who I was. Getting in the way of my process of self-discovery wasn't a wise thing for an educator to do. My parents ate those sorts of educators alive.

To this day, I think those two men trying to impose a certain way of being a young man upon me was the most heinous and grievous act of violence that educators have ever perpetrated upon me. Rather than support me, encourage me, and protect me in my own process of growth and discovery, they attempted to shame and guilt me into being someone other than who I was.

Of course, they didn't really know who I was. They just had a feeling that whoever I was, wasn't the right kind of boy to be.

They wanted to give me that popularity decoder ring. Be like the other boys. Fit in. Conform.

In a way, Smith and Richardson were right. I was eaten alive in junior high. Those three years were some of the most unpleasant years of my life. I also wouldn't have had it any other way. In the midst of the horror show known as junior high, I found some real educators who nurtured, encouraged, and protected me. I can think of three teachers who helped give me another kind of decoder ring: the kind that eventually helped me discover who I am.

There is nothing more powerful than dreaming and living in the colors of  my own dreams. I needed Smith and Richardson to see me, give me the tools to be me, and create a protected place so I could grow into that man. I didn't need them to tell me who to be.

If they could see me now they'd probably still want me to be someone other than who I am. Rather than eat them alive, I think I might like to put on a top hat and sing this:

Homosexuality 101 -- A Video Response

I remember a conversation I once had with a clinical mentor. She told me that once I put it out into the universe that I had concerns about the safety of a patient, I needed to diligently, vigorously, and continuously pursue all of my options to make sure that patient is safe. I could not rest until I did everything that I could do to protect my client.

I've taken Debora's words seriously. I've thought of them a lot these past couple of weeks since first encountering a video clip from the Family Research Council. I took what some have told me is an extraordinary act: I wrote a letter to a therapist from Florida who is engaging in so-called reparative therapy. I questioned her about her ethics. I don't find this act extraordinary. I find it a duty that is incumbent upon me to perform as a licensed psychologist. 

I take my ethical code seriously. When I watched the initial video and saw a licensed therapist using her position of authority and trust to spread pseudo-scientific propaganda. I saw a licensed therapist that furthers a damaging agenda that has caused untold pain on a vulnerable population. I felt violated as a person and as a psychologist. I  felt called to stand up for my profession--and most importantly--I felt called to stand up for vulnerable people who are damaged by this propaganda that Dr. Hamilton spews through her platform with NARTH.

For the record:

• Psychologists strive to benefit those with whom they work and take care to do no harm.
• Psychologists establish relationships of trust with those with whom they work.
• Psychologists seek to promote accuracy, honesty and truthfulness in the science, teaching and practice of psychology.
• Psychologists recognize that fairness and justice entitle all persons to access to and benefit from the contributions of psychology and to equal quality in the processes, procedures and services being conducted by psychologists... [and do not] condone unjust practices.
• Psychologists respect the dignity and worth of all people... and they do not knowingly participate in or condone activities of others based upon such prejudices.

For more information on what I'm doing to stand up for what I think is ethical, right, and just, please see my new blog The Truth About Homosexuality. For a discussion about what an ethical and competent psychologist might do, see my post Confessions from a Reparative Therapist.

The Human Costs of Reparative Therapy

Have you hear about the so-called reparative therapy, in which unethical therapists attempt to change the sexual orientation of a person? Check out here and here if you are outraged and want to stand up for love, compassion, and what is right.

To My Unborn Child

To read  more about the inspiration behind this clip, click here. 

Middle School is Rough

This morning I came across this clip of Jonah Mowry. In disembodied academic conversations about bullying, or in the disassociated way politicians often speak about it, we forget about the very real impact bullying has on real people. It's worth watching.

Here, by the way, is just one example of how politicians obscure the personal dimension of the impact of bullying to further a particular agenda.

It Gets Better: Scott Brown's Response

So as many of my more regular readers know, I've been patiently waiting for a response from Senator Scott Brown to a letter that I sent him. Every other elected member of congress from Massachusetts participated in making a video to support gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender teens. Find my letter here.

And watch the video:



And here is Senator Brown's response. I will be reflecting on it over the next several days. Expect a response from your favorite irreverent psychologist at some point over the coming holiday weekend.

Dear Jason,

Thank you for contacting me about the "It Gets Better" Project. As always, I value your input on all issues and appreciate hearing from you.

Like you, I believe in the right of ever citizen to live in a manner he or she choose and that all people have a right to be treated with dignity and respect. As Americans, we are all entitled to basic civil rights, protection from violence and the freedom to pursue happiness. As a father of two daughters, I am deeply saddened by the stories I hear about young men and women who are harassed or bullied by their peers for any reason. To that end, I believe that schools must provide a safe environment for all students and teachers so our children have the best possible opportunities to succeed. That's why during my time as a Massachusetts State Senator, I took a leadership role in efforts to prevent bullying and discrimination, including legislation intended to stop harassment and bullying in cyberspace.

Though i was unable to participate in a recent video for the "It Gets Better" Project, I remain fully committed to preventing bullying and discrimination and will work with my Senate colleagues to ensure that every child is provided a safe an health learning environment in Massachusetts and the nation.

Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. if you have any additional questions or comments, please feel free to contact me or visit my website at www.scottbrown.senate.gov.

Sincerely,      Scott P. Brown      United States Senator

An Open Letter to Senator Scott Brown

July 31, 2011

The Honorable Senator Scott Brown

United States Senate

359 Dirksen Senate Office Building

Washington, DC, 20510

Dear Senator Brown:

The It Gets Better Project, launched in September 2010, is a response to a number of young people who committed suicide in the wake of bullying in school. Since that time, there have been over 10,000 user created videos that have been viewed over 35 million times. Who has made these videos? President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Adam Lambert, Anne Hathaway, Mathew Morrison of “Glee”, Joe Jonas, Joel Madden, Ke$ha, Sara Silverman, Tim Gunn, Ellen DeGeneres, Suze Orman, the staffs of The Gap, Google, Facebook, Pixar, the Broadway community; people of faith such as Bishop Mark Hanson, Bishop Gene Robinson, the United Church of Christ, Jewish Seminary Schools, and small congregations like St James Episcopal Church in Groveland Massachusetts; and thousands of everyday people around the world.

A few days ago all but one of our elected officials who represent the Commonwealth of Massachusetts added a clip of their own to this project. I offer my sincere and deep thanks to Senator John Kerry and Representatives Ed Markey, John Tierney, Jim McGovern, Bill Keating, Stephen Lynch, Richard Neal, Niki Tsongas, John Olver, Mike Capuano, and Barney Frank.

As a psychologist who works with teens and a voter in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I stand with these courageous, outstanding, and dedicated legislators. I support our teens. I support the deep desire to make the world a little better place to be. As Barney Frank said in the closing of the sixty second clip, “It will get better. It will get better because you are helping it to become better—and this is in the end going to be the kind of world you want to live in.”

            Senator Scott Brown chose not to participate in making a sixty second clip. Through his spokesperson, Senator Brown’s office said: “Scott Brown has a strong record at the state and federal level against bullying and believes that all people regardless of sexual orientation should be treated with dignity and respect.” The spokesman went on to say “his main focus right now is on creating jobs and getting our economy back on track.”

The Senator doesn’t have the time to be the eleventh voice in a sixty second video clip?

            As for Senator Scott Brown believing that “all people regardless of sexual orientation should be treated with dignity and respect”—the facts add up to neither dignity nor respect. A simple search reveals the following about our senator (all facts found on the website Think Progress and then verified elsewhere):

-          OPPOSES SAME-SEX COUPLES RAISING CHILDREN: In 2001, Senator Brown attacked state Sen. Cheryl Jacques and her domestic partner, Jennifer Chrisler, for deciding to have children, calling it “not normal,” though later said he chose the wrong words.

-          CALLED OUT YOUNG PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT EQUALITY: In 2007, Brown “crossed the line” when he quoted profanity from a Facebook group and identified the students who used it when he was invited to King Philip Regional School District to discuss his opposition to marriage equality.

-          TRIED TO BAN SAME-SEX MARRIAGE MULTIPLE TIMES: As a Massachusetts state senator, Brown voted twice in 2007 to ban same-sex marriage after voting for two similar amendments in 2004.

-          TRIED TO CENSOR HOMOSEXUALITY IN SCHOOLS: Brown cosponsored the “Parents Rights Bill,” which would have allowed Massachusetts parents to prevent their students from learning anything about same-sex families in school.

-          TRIED TO OVERTURN DC MARRIAGE EQUALITY: Brown took a “state’s rights” position on same-sex marriage in his campaign for U.S. Senate, but in March of 2010, Brown voted for a referendum to overturn marriage equality in the District of Columbia. This was in contradiction to previous statements leaving marriage to the states. 

-          OPPOSES NONDISCRIMINATION PROTECTIONS: Brown has made it quite clear that he would oppose passage of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), which would protect LGBT employees from unfair hiring practices.

-          ACCEPTED MONEY FROM ANTI-GAY GROUPS: Many of Brown’s electoral victories have been thanks to the support of anti-gay PACs and organizations like hate-group MassResistance and the National Organization for Marriage.

-          NO SUPPORT FOR ANTI-BULLYING BILLS: Though Brown’s spokesman said he has a “strong record…against bullying,” Brown has not signed on to support any of the anti-bullying bills currently before Congress.

The senator has a strong record of supporting the dignity and respect of all American’s regardless of sexual orientation?

I’ve grown very angry and tired listening to politicians tell me what they think I want to hear. I’ve grown very tired of hearing politicians lie and get a free pass.

I’m sending this letter to Senator Scott Brown—and sharing it publically—to request that he respond to me and the citizens of Massachusetts with truthful, thought out, and reasoned opinions. If Senator Brown indeed supports dignity and respect for all Americans, I’d like to know how he specifically supports the dignity and respect of the citizens of the Commonwealth that are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. I would like to see specific legislation he has authored, supported, or voted for that documents his support.

Most importantly, I want to know the specific ways in which Senator Brown supports LGBT youth in the Commonwealth. How does he envision a better world for teens? How does he envision a better world for teens who are bullied, victimized, and lost in our schools?

What do you say Senator Brown? Will you be a stand up sort of guy and support our youth? Will you rise above party politics and strategy and respond with your specific thoughts and beliefs about how we can make our world just a little bit better for those youth who need a stand up sort of guy?

The world needs to be a little better. The world needs you to be a stand up sort of guy Senator Brown. I need you to be a stand up sort of guy Senator Brown. Stand up and support our LGBT teens. Stand up against bullying. Do it because it's the right thing to do.

Sincerely,

Jason Evan Mihalko, Psy.D.,

Licensed Psychologist

C: Boston Globe, Lowell Sun

Not Acceptable

Want to more? Check out their website here.

It Get's Better--With Skills

I'm at it again trying to engage people in a dialogue online. This never turns out very well for  me--maybe this time will be different? Anyway, this morning I clicked on a tweet that lead me to Towleroad. There was a brief blog post about an 18 year old young man named Lance Lundsten who recently killed himself. It got me thinking--and got me posting.

Dan Savage has started a project called It Gets Better. He writes "Many LGBT youth can't picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can't imagine a future for themselves. So let's show them what our lives are like, let's show them what the future may hold in store for them." This is a good thing, right?

As with most things, yes, sort of.

Things can get better--and often do. They don't get better on their own. Waiting around for middle school or high school to end--in and of itself--isn't going to make anything better. I worry that for many young people watching the video clips on Savage's website are getting the wrong message. I worry that young people are hearing that their lives today are hopeless.

I'm sure you remember being young. Teens aren't known for their ability to look into the future. Teens aren't known for their ability to wait. By design, the project is telling young people that they have to do the two things they are developmentally least equipped to do: wait and look to the future.

Looking forward is helpful: it helps teach youth about the possibility of the future. It also helps teach youth the whole notion that there is a future and that it's something one works toward. There is more, however, that we need to do.

We need to teach youth skills that they can use in the here-and-now. Emotional resiliency is a set of skills that can be taught. We need to teach youth about opportunities they have now for community--opportunities they have now to feel supported and loved. As hopeful as the It Get's Better videos are, they don't provide youth with these skills.

We need to show youth images that other youth create--images and lives that are filled with joy, excitement, and life. We need to let youth speak about their own experiences. For many, it's already better now. For many youth the adult vision of "better" is radically different than the youth vision of "better."

While it's important to mourn those who have killed themselves, we need to do more. We need to celebrate those who have not taken their own lives. We need to celebrate the creative vision, passion, and energy of countless young people that goes relatively unnoticed.

It's probably a good idea to actually ask youth what they want and need. As an aside, I read an article once about LGBT proms. It seems that mostly LGBT proms exist for adults who didn't go to their own proms. Most youth responding to surveys say they are going to their regular high school proms--and that they think that proms for adults who didn't get to go to their own proms are great for--you guessed it--adults.

The biggest burden for change--and making things better--isn't on the youth. The biggest burden is on adults. We need to speak up against bulling. We need to create an atmosphere in public spaces that it's not okay to be a bully--it's not okay to be hateful to someone else because their opinion or thoughts are different.

We need to create a world in which we can have meaningful dialogue about different--and connect and grow through those differences, not divide and segment.

Suicide Doesn't Improve the World

It seems that I have a lot to say this weekend.

There has been a lot of great attention drawn to the problems with bullying. Dan Savage started the It Gets Better Project where people from across the world record their own messages to teens telling them that indeed, things can get better. Local and national news stations are beginning to air the normally silent stories of struggles that young people face. The attention is good--it's raising awareness, starting a dialogue, and building a platform for change.

This morning I watched a video on Towle Road. Sean Walsh was, a 13 year old who killed himself after being bullied, left behind a suicide note. His mother made the decision to read his suicide note and tell his story on YouTube. My heart aches for Wendy. I hope her video can make a difference in an adults life by teaching them to speak up about bullying. If you'd like to watch the video, I'm including it in this post. It's sad, raw, and powerful. If you are feeling a little vulnerable you might not want to watch it.

Sean wrote, "I will hopefully be in a better place than this shit hole... Make sure to make the school feel like shit for bring you this sorrow."

There is a problem here. We aren't teaching our children that things can be better now. We aren't showing children other children who have lives of joy, compassion, and excitement. We aren't teaching children how to be resilient, how to resist bullying, and how not be be bullies. We are failing our children.

The narrative of much of what I hear is something like this:  It can't be better now--you have to wait for it to get better. Youth are suffering and miserable and need adults to rescue them. 

I am filled with sadness for the loss of Sean and the grief his mother is experiencing.

Suicide doesn't change the world. Suicide isn't an effective way to punish a school or a bully. In the end, suicide means someone is dead, some people experience profound bone breaking grief, and the rest of the world moves on. 

There are so many more effective ways to resist a bully and change the world. We ought to be teaching our youth these skills. We ought to be teaching our youth about other youth who use these skills. It can save a life--and change the world.