Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

Friday, October 11, 2013

Our Days Go By So Quickly

Sonia Nevis sends out occasional letters to the Gestalt community. I received this yesterday and reprint it with her permission. She wrote, "certainly use this letter on your blog. What would be better than to have hope spread around for more and more people."

Our Days Go By So Quickly – What Can We Do About That?

Recently I have realized that I am 86 years old, and there is nothing I can do about it, since each day that passes us is lost forever.

I take short walks, love my work, cherish my clients and have wonderful friends. I have loving children - I hope you can see how lucky I am.

Yet I wake up each day - sad that yet another day has gone.

Up to now I thought there was not much more I could do - but now I feel as though my life has a long carpet to walk on: it lives on.

I have begun to see that all lost days are alive.

The experiences and memories of the life that we have lived and are living, as well as the fiction we have read and the images we have seen in the theater and the films, all contribute to the richness of our being.

Once we understand how much we hold within our hearts, we easily turn them into stories – stories which will live long beyond us.

Realizing this has shifted the way I feel, and how I am looking at my life. I’m amazed at how it comforts me.

But what matters the most is how much I can still do in this difficult world:

• I want to turn my interest to even more people I have never met and talk to them. That might be one of the roads to peace.

• I will keep paying attention to my generosity. There is so much needed that I can be giving.

I hope my long carpet stays very long. I will keep enjoying my life and doing all the things that I love.

I hope you all join me.

Fondly,

Sonia

Sonia March Nevis, PhD, is co-founder of the Gestalt International Study Center and has practiced and taught Gestalt and family therapy concepts worldwide for over thirty-five years. She was a founder of the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland where she created the Center for Intimate Systems, devoted to the training of couples and family therapists. You can read all of Sonia's letters here


Saturday, September 28, 2013

Dear Young Therapist: Sometimes We Can't Put Humpty Back Together Again

Meeting Humpty Dumpty/Joanna Pasek
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.



We don't like to admit that things that are broken cannot always be repaired. We develop empirically supported interventions that demonstrate our facility for erasing symptoms of mental illness and curing the ills of the psyche. Chemists and biologists develop powerful substances that right the wrongs of the miniature chemical metaphors for mental illness inside the synaptic cleft.

We wrap ourselves in god-like metaphors of power, control, and authority. We heal the wounded. We restore the broken to a state of wellness. We right that which was wronged. 

We try to place all of the evils, pains, and terrors of our world back into Pandora's box with the hope of this cure called psychotherapy. Our way out of mental illness, a hope for a different future, has become interwoven with these notions of restoration and repair. Returning things to the way they were.

I've grown convinced this is not always possible. Even if it was, I'm not sure it is advisable. 

...and for those we can't repair? We call them treatment resistant. We tell them they don't want to get well. We tell them they are not ready to get well. We find any number of ways to subtly make them responsible for being broken, for not allowing us to repair them, or for having experienced a trauma from which there is no repair.

I don't think that's advisable at all. 

On any given day any number of survivor stories pass by my eyes on the internet about those who have experienced sexual abuse. As our seemingly endless "war on terrorism" slogs on, I see an increasing number of wounded soldiers displayed for pubic consumption. Stories like these make me angry and sad, hopeless and hopeful. Thousands of tales of lives broken by sexual and physical trauma. Thousands of tales of lives restored through the power of hope, courage, caring, and empowerment. 

As someone recently mentioned to me, some do come out of a traumatic experience stronger. Some find a certain kind of beauty in the growth that occurs after a trauma. Some isn't all. In fact, some is a far way away from all. 

Every 65 minutes a veteran of the US Military commits suicide.

Adults who have experiences sexual abuse are twice as likely to have a suicide attempt. 

What happens when that which was broken cannot be restored? Who speaks for those who are broken and either cannot or will not be repaired?

A huge industry of self-help groups have grown up around the books A Courage to Heal and Victims No Longer. While both books, in many ways, put childhood sexual abuse on the map, they both also perpetuate a disturbing trend toward a wish to repair that which remains unrepairable. An industry has grown up around us depicting survivors of sexual and physical traumas as strong, proud, and invincible warriors. I wince every time I see this meme replicated. I realize saying this may make me somewhat unpopular in some circles of the sexual abuse healing industrial complex.

I think we've lost our way, young therapist. In following our culturally prescribed roles to be powerful healers we've forgotten that not everything we touch can be restored. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we cannot put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

I'm not even sure it is important that we even try.

It is not that I am against strong, proud, and invincible warriors. I think those who find their journey takes them to these places are mighty fine. They've found their voices and found ways to make their lives a life worth living. 

What about the ones who find that no measure of gold or silver can hold the pieces together again in a fashion more beautiful than that which existed before? What of those who tried kintsukuroi and found they have nothing but a pile of pretty broken pieces?  What of those who, like Humpty Dumpty, have fallen and learned that all the kings horses and all the kings men cannot put them back together again?

Who speaks for them?

“If people bring so much courage to this world the world has to kill them to break them, so of course it kills them. The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.” -- Ernest Hemingway

Somewhere along the way, young therapist, we've forgotten that our most powerful tools are not those which fix broken things. Our most powerful skill is our presence and our attention. 

Don't get lost in the illusion that therapy is about fixing the broken parts of people. It's nice when we can fix things. Don't get me wrong. It's just that fixing isn't our most important task. Somewhere in our training and acculturation as a therapist we learn to stop listening and get lost in our own theories of how to fix things. We move from being having a role of a midwife of dialogue to the role of a high-tech mechanic. 

The map is not the territory. -- Alfred Korzybski

The description is not the described. -- Jiddu Krishnamurti

The map is not the thing mapped -- Eric Temple Bell

Sometimes we therapists have a very helpful map to offer. Other times our maps are a hinderance and obscure the road ahead for our patients. In the end, the best maps are those which our patients create. The ones we have to offer are just temporary aids. 

Therapy is about helping people see the broken parts of themselves. Therapy is about being witness to that which was broken. Therapy is about co-creating a space where our clients have a place to feel fully broken, to feel helplessness and despair, and for clients to discover in their own ways the contours of the territory ahead. 

Don't forget to listen, young therapist. Create the space for people to be broken. Allow your patients the dignity of the agency to decide what lay ahead. 

Help them find their own maps and their own territories. 

Do not accept any of my words on faith,
Believing them just because I said them.
Be like an analyst buying gold, who cuts, burns, 
And critically examines his product for authenticity.
Only accept what passes the test 
By proving useful and beneficial in your life.
--The Buddha 

I can describe the mountain, but the description is not the mountain, and if you are caught up in the description, as most people are, then you will never see the mountain.
-- Jiddu Krishnamurti

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Voyagers: A Valentine Across Time and Space



The Voyagers from Penny Lane.

A short film about two small spacecraft, an epic journey, taking risks and falling in love. Also Carl Sagan.

You can read an interview with Penny Lane about this film on The Atlantic's website:

ABOUT THE FILM

In the summer of 1977, NASA sent Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 on an epic journey into interstellar space. Each spacecraft carries a golden record album, a massive compilation of images and sounds embodying the best of Planet Earth. According to Carl Sagan, “[t]he spacecraft will be encountered and the record played only if there are advanced space-faring civilizations in interstellar space. But the launching of this bottle into the cosmic ocean says something very hopeful about life on this planet.” While working on the golden record, Sagan met and fell madly in love with his future wife Annie Druyan. The golden record became their love letter to humankind and to each other. In the summer of 2010, I began my own hopeful voyage into the unknown. This film is a love letter to my fellow traveler.

Friday, April 20, 2012

What We Learned from 5 Million Books: Hope and Depression

Now why didn't anyone tell me about the Google Ngram Viewer? This is going to take up a lot of my time. Searching an enormous corpus of books for frequency of different terms--and exploring the relationships. Take for example the first two words that came to mind: hope and depression. What ideas are you interested in? What relationships might you find in this date base?

Check out the video and go play with the Ngram Viewer.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Remember When?

Do you remember when we were concerned about dreams, hopes, and being more than we thought we could be? Do you remember when our leaders tried to be heroes, and tried to be concerned with lifting more of us up, and tried to build paths for more of us to reach our dreams?

I woke up this morning and found myself particularly affected by little men and little women with very little dreams. I woke up this morning seeing such sad rhetoric of fear, of broken hope, and of the failure to dream.





Saturday, June 25, 2011

Something to Celebrate: Young People to be Proud Of

So those of you who follow me on Facebook and Twitter might have noticed that I've recently become infactuated with the work done by a local group called the United Teen Equality Center. They are a youth-led coalition which works toward empowering young people to create change through policy-making.

The group provides a great antidote for those who think that young people are unengaged, uninterested, and, well, unlovable. I often hear so much hate directed toward young people--particularly young people from our urban cities.

Right now the organization is working on getting state bill #S00183 passed in Massachusetts. The bill would require state education officials to develop a high school civics course that covers the various branches of local, state, and federal government. The course would also teach high school students the history of social movements as well as current events. It sounds like a pretty good idea to me--teaching young people to be engaged in their community and government.

I've known for a long time the power teens have. In the early 90s I works at a youth shelter for teens who have runaway from home or were thrown-away by their parents. Some of those young people were the most engaging, hopeful, and intelligent people I've ever met. I think when I encounter the United Teen Equality Center and their work, I remember the young faces of the teens at the shelter I worked at. I remember the potential that was lost and found in the people who came through that door.

I hope you learn to see that potential, too.





Saturday, March 5, 2011

Pandora Was Robbed

I've always been a fan of Greek and Roman mythology--who am I kidding. I've always been a fan of any kind of mythology. Greek, Roman, and Egyptian mythologies provide such interesting windows of how the world was once understood. There are other mythologies that I'm interested in too--take psychology for example. While we cloak our field with the garments of the scientific method, there are times that I feel that psychology is yet another elaborate mythology that tries to explain our human condition.

I risk digressing here, so back to what I wanted to write about today: Pandora was robbed. That's right. Over the centuries we've chopped away at her story and lost some key parts of the story--and in doing that we've created a whole different mythology.

Pandora seems to most often be depicted as a Jezebel--a dangerous character who wittingly or unwittingly releases evil upon the world. Alternatively, when referring to her box, we talk about something that should be avoided. One wouldn't want to open Pandora's box. It's too difficult. it's too dangerous. It's not the right thing to do.

Did you know that Pandora's box wasn't really a box? It was a jar.

As the story goes, Zeus (you all know him, right?) ordered Hephaestus (the god of craftsmanship) to create a woman. Hephaestus did just that with water and earth. Other gods gave Pandora talents and gifts. Aphrodite gave her beauty, Hermes persuasion, Apollo music, Athena wisdom, etc.

Pandora thus was known as "all-gifted." 

Zeus, always being the one to argue and bicker with other gods, got ticked off when Prometheus (known for his forethought and intelligence) stole fire from heaven. To exact vengeance, her presented Prometheus' brother Epimetheus (known for hindsight, or afterthought) with Pandora. Along with Pandora, he sent a jar which under no circumstances was she to open. Being gifted with curiosity, Pandora of course was going to open the jar. As most of you who already know this story, all the evil contained in the jar escaped and spread around the world. Pandora tried to close the jar but everything had escaped.

Everything escaped but one last thing--hope. That part of the story seems to be consistently lost.

From all accounts, Pandora was was similar to the Christian archetype of Eve. Prior to Pandora, the world was a nice place. Eve got curious about the apple and everyone got expelled from Eden. Pandora gets curious about what's in the jar and Earth becomes sullied by evil. 

Somewhere around the seventh century B.C., the story of Pandora first appears in print. Hesiod writes

From her is the race of women and female kind;
of her is the deadly race and tribe of women who
live amongst mortal men to their great trouble,
no helpmates in hateful poverty, but only in wealth.

He ends the story with this:

Only hope was left within her unbreakable house,
she remained under the lip of the jar, and did not
fly away. Before [she could], Pandora replaced the
lid of the jar. This was the will of aegis-bearing
Zeus the Cloudgatherer.

A hundred years later or so another poet gives an altered view of Pandora and suggests she didn't open the jar at all--a foolish man did. Theognis writes:

Hope is the only good god remaining among mankind;
the others have left and gone to Olympus.
Trust, a mighty god has gone. Restraint has gone from men,
and the Graces, my friend, have abandoned the Earth.
Men's judicial oaths are no longer to be trusted, nor does anyone
revere the immortal gods; the race of pious men has perished and
men no longer recognize the rules of conduct or acts of piety.

Some scholars point out that the reading of this text suggests that Pandora's jar was actually filled with blessings--not evil.

What we don't know is what the ancient Greeks really thought about Pandora. Did Hesiod reinterpret her story? Was Theognis more accurate to the original telling of the tale? 

The answer to this is likely lost forever in translation. Depending on how one translates the ancient language Pandora's jar can be seen as either a prison or a pantry. The jar-as-prison suggests that it contained evil and that evil was intended to be kept away from humankind. Interesting then that hope was kept in prison. In this reading, hope is something forever kept from humankind and we are forever tortured by the evils of the world. The jar-as-pantry suggests that Pandora's jar contained gifts. Precious gifts that were perhaps lost when a foolish man (or Pandora herself) opened up the pantry and squandered those gifts. Except of course for the gift of hope.

What does it all mean? In the end, I think each of us need to make this decision on our own.

Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment - Friedrich Nietzsche

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
--Emily Dickinson

We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking to the stars - Oscar Wilde

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy - Eskimo Proverb

Hope never abandons you: you abandon it - George Weinberg

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark - George Iles